Confessions of a Crap Artist: Top 10 Jobs

So throughout my job search, I've become rather disappointed that the real jobs that I'd rather like, are nowhere near available. If anyone knows or hears of any of these positions opening please relay unto me, the info.


10. Absolute World Controller

Brain with his Orson Wellesesque ambition, Apocalypse and his Darwinian self-entitlement, Secret Societies, and Alexander the Great, Napoleon, his Fordship, Mustafa Mond! These and others have cradled in me, an unescapable desire to rule Earth, entirely, absolutely. Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely! But I won't set out to rule for anyone else's sake other than my own. As Absolute World Controller, I shape the world into my corroded image and its inhabitants shall do my bidding or their own resting, in graves. It wouldn't be too bad after 2/3 of the Earth's human population is destroyed, there will be no jobs, no money, no law, more space, less children, eventually I don't want to even be acknowledged.

During my rise to power I will demolish this familiar world I live in for another to be constructed from it, yet this is a job for men who are interested in such investments, I just want an emptier planet to roam, to be lost in. Such a position demands great, perhaps even, superhuman abilities to sustain that kind of power; fore I want no army, no elite, no insurgents, no circle of authority, it will all begin and end with me, absolutely.

09. God

This is quite similar to Absolute World Controller, only with showsmanship mystique. Like the magician who is as great as the secret to his best illusion; God is only just as great the more detached, unresponsive, and absent God remains from his faithful fan clubs. So this position could in fact prove to be the easiest if no supernatural powers were involved, only my quiet compliance to the omnipresence and omniscience assumed upon me. People won't even know if I really did exist or not. Imagine a job where you don't even have to show up, not even work for that matter but you still receive a check, in fact multiple employers send you a check and fight over who's check you cash, not realizing you cash them all.

08. Ghostbuster

When I started this list, I thought about both the Men in Black and the Scooby-Doo Mystery Gang. The Mystery Gang are a bunch of reckless hipsters and eventually they're going to walk into the wrong kind of trouble that won't end with the unmasking of a mischievous no-gooder. Think about it, these silly motherfuckers step into some really shady towns, we're not even sure what country they're in sometimes (they could be in Central or South America or Canada just as likely as the U.S., Hanna Barbara doesn't know the difference). Its only a matter of time before they pull that move and meet something they're not ready for, like a slit throat and raped rectum.

As for The Men in Black, I'm just not a people person. Better stated, I'm not a social person. I'm definitely open minded and understanding but I just don't do well in the area of diplomacy, and that seems like a job where you have to deal with all sorts of backgrounds (some further back than others).

Thinking both of these jobs over, I wondered: Is there a way to deal with the paranormal in a non-social manner without having to travel into potentially shady situations with unqualified specialists.

Yes! Of course there is, who else would you call? Its a good staff, I'd mostly be like Winston, since he's the least knowledgeable in the field of paranormal studies, though I'm also a wise-cracking slacker, like Dr. Venkman. But I'd probably spend most of my time as the annoying lackey of either Dr. Ray Stanz or Dr, Egon Spengler. Learning about ghosts, ectoplasma, and subatomic physics.

Unlicensed nuclear accelerators, ghost traps, good pay so long as there's demand, room and board. These are all good reasons but unnecessary ones. I'd no sooner join The Mystery Gang if Janine Melnitz took the place of Velma.

07. Blade Runner

Okay, anyone who really knows me is aware of my love/hate relationship with technology. I hate cellphones but I love drum machines, I hate Myspace and Facebook but I love MAX/MSP and synth patches, hate television but lasers and spaceships are like visual viagra. So why shouldn't this love/hate qualify itself as an efficient tool when hunting rogue androids.

As of recent, scientists and engineers are going bats over Singularity, which in part is, when the human mind is mastered and capable of being replicated. Ray Kurzweil could even stand in for Tyrell for the time being. When they are successful, as all mad scientists are, eventually, I will be more than glad to blast the artificial life and memories right out of any Andy's face.

Dilemma, I fall in love, "found love on a prison ship" and now she'll die or be killed. I'm not too fond of humans as it stands, I'll be less inclined to warm any frigid regard if they take from me, that love which they were responsible for creating, that love that reattached me to what it was to be human in the first place.

06. Santa Claus

Lets face it, Santa has it made! My man works on one day, sure its for 24 hours, and sure the preparation for that day must be pressure enough to blow diamonds out of coal mines like information from a nervous snitch; still, nine months of free time is worth it. I can deal with the cold weather as well; and human isolation isn't much of a setback as it is a step forward. The elves are probably real gnarly cats to be around and Jessica Claus is all I need as far as both woman and human.

My only problem is the weight. You see, I'm a tall, slim, melancholy cynic not a jolly, rosy-nosed fat man. Now if there were some elf magic involved, where I can become that rosy nosed fat man for that Christmas week, I will become jolly, as is what one must do if one became a rosy nosed fat man. Honesty, I think "jolly" is the result of flying reindeers and the speed necessary for such a tour as, "every good child's residence in one 24 hour night". Santa's heart must sound like an Autechre track after such a ride. "Ho ho ho...!" This is the sound you makes when your heart is about to jump out of your throat.

But I can't say no to milk and cookies plus the priceless hatred directed at me from major toy corporations.

05. Tooth Fairy

Kid: Wait! You're the Tooth Fairy?...Isn't the Tooth Fairy supposed to be a woman?

AutoSpade: You watch too much TV kid. You gotta a tooth for me, or what? Oh, I see. Still attached, huh?

Kid: Yea and you can't have it anyway!

AutoSpade: Oh really? A wise guy, huh? Luckily I got me this companionship of a brass knuckle, I call him The Scholar, he just loves it when people get wise. Why you cryin'?

04. Gluttony

I'm not into tormenting and causing suffering to others. Eternal Damnation was never my bag. But if The Devil, Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, or whatever moniker it was going by at the moment, was in fact, not only real but faithful to its depiction as played by Elizabeth Hurley in the remake of Stanley Donen's Bedazzled, then I gotta roll wit her!

I have to be one of the Seven Deadly Sins, just so I can work closely with her. I think I'll be good as Gluttony. I can eat unnecessarily, I usually do anyway and what's more, I often inspire hunger. I say this, not only because I'm skinny but because I've oft a time been informed that while I eat, I advertise the action of food consumption quite effectively. Yes, I do enjoy eating and yes, I do rub it in that I am slim but Its my mischievous nature that lures me to Liz Hurley's Lucifer.

During the film I kept comparing her to Peter Cook's portrayal and found they were both good and I would be Gluttony for either, my preference for Hurley simply for gender. Both, however would be great to scheme, plot, contrive, and conspire with.

"I say ol' man all 'at talk about cholesterol and fat is just corporate balance so's to see you don go and eat yisself into 'isteria, so's you do it responsibly like drinkin, mate 'as all. Is not really gonna do ya any more 'arm than its dun me...Why, look on me will ya? All bones like as 'a day me mum saw me fit t'be a man, and cholesterol 'asn't change 'at, no fat, never mind you what I diet, ah usually start at ev'rything and any less 'an 'at is famine!

"So, go on will ya, 'ave anuva 'un will ya, 'er ya go, na look un ya, nawt a scratch, as fit as a suit, ah'd say! Don'nat feel good! Don'nat feel royt! Don let any bugger tell ya sum uva 'an 'at!"

03. Death: The Grim Reaper

Although quite a busy occupation, also a very technical and creative one. Diseases, accidents, abortions, murders, overdoses, shock, and any other agent of Death are to be carefully casted and directed, each like a specific film that requires a specific ensemble. The job also requires traveling, lots of organization, a reliable staff to closely work together and time manage all the appropriate accounts according to the schedule. Its a 24/7 job and not for easily upset stomachs or the mortally insecure. Multi-tasking is a must as is the ability to think fast and independently.

This spells me all over! I don't believe in overworking but I do believe in this product and goddamn it I will sell it! With a fervor and gusto that would've made Billy Mays proud. I don't mind being a skeleton and the unpopularity, likewise, doesn't phase me. I'd probably receive most of the cold shoulders from humans anyway, since every other earthling is smarter and far more mature than that. My only concern is whether The Grim Reaper has a global, galactic or universal jurisdiction. If its global than its ideal for me, if any of the latter, I'll need a really competitive compensation.

02. Interstellar Expeditionist

You don't even have to pay me for this! I won't need anything from Earth ever again! To get on a spacecraft, that can support its own exploration without human navigation for at least 200 years, equipped with books, music, films, art, mannequins, food, recording and music production equipment, waste disposal, and a 3-D projection of Kylie Minogue as representative of the ship's mainframe to keep me company, this is my flight without a return ticket. Of course, along with the things I mentioned, scientists will stock the ship with necessities for my physical and mental health before lift off.

The ship should be the size of California and its mission to explore in one direction, whatever is to be discovered. I, however, have my own set of plans and once I free and seduce the 3-D projection of Kylie Minogue, we will have our course re-set to the nearest dying star on the brink of going supernova. Our course wouldn't be re-set right away as there is so much space and universe to see, it would be a shame to not hostage advantage of it. No, it would be after a good 40 years of space that we'd start drawing the curtain for our grand finale.

01. Nebula Production Manager

This would be like an artists' studio, a decent intergalactic loft with a high ceiling overlooking a milky coma cluster. All types of work will be created, my job would be to supervise but I'd feel so excluded without involving myself, hands on, with every project just a little. From editing to engineering, cropping, matting to framing, recording, sketching to mixing, blending, tracing to constructing, I selfishly want a hand in all the stages of production. Not enough of a hand that its an iron fist but just enough to cop a quick feel. I can't imagine the over-emcompassing sensation of creating a star, having the perspective to actually be able to see a sun being born. I wouldn't want to ever die if it meant I'd have to stop creating stars, dust and other celestial bodies.

Yet another job you wouldn't have to pay me for. A nebula, a creative workshop, specializing in creating stars and other celestial bodies. Quality not quantity would be the main idea here. We want stars that can be something, mean something in the grand scheme of universal orchestration. Whether stars of long or short life spans we want to ensure that what the short life spans lack in time they make up for in shine, or what the dull giants lack in shine they compensate for in density. We also want independent stars, suns that may possess creative skills and set out on their own, founding solar systems. We encourage the romantic lovers in an intimate, Natasha Khan dance for Two Suns as well as the constellation communities who prefer large, hall concertos.

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